oh yum...

i just went downstairs to get the mail... I can tell you that my keyboard is currently full of confectionary sugar...My mother finally hit a home run with a care package. Real guava paste puerto rican pastries from my favorite bakery.

If a sister that lives nearby would like me to save her some, she best hurry!

Work and work

Sometimes you think of work as a royal pain in the ass, and some other times you miss the people you work with. We have a big meeting on thursday and I wanted to make sure the bldg was in top shape. Of course I could have waited till Thursday, but I got this itch to come up and take a look and visit with everyone.

I know this will make little sense to most, but it felt soooo good to sit at my chair. It also helps that since I am not connecting to 100 satellites, things on the computer happen very quickly. The good news is that the drive was not tiresome, but damn it is a long drive.

At least I know the decision to start going up part time is the right one.

12 hours

I can't tell you the last time this happened... but it was good... 12 hours of sleep... YUMMY

sleep is not for me today

Who knows what keeps you up at night. This happens to me like once a decade, but I suppose that under the current circumstances it is not out of the question.

I was thinking the other day, that since I wanted to do more things, perhaps I should sleep less. The body answered for me; not yet, sleep when needed and then do more later.

Yes, my birthday is coming up this week. no gifts please!! but it makes me think about how fortunate I am to have found the one person in the US that could take Mr Nasty out.

On the same idea that I am going to be 48 years old, it makes you appreciate how wonderful husbands, family and friends are. Although I must admit it is very interesting how some react to this ordeal.

oh yes... and then there is work

I was asked today when I was planning to go back to work. Technically I have till the 28th of June, and something tells me that the Dr. would like to negotiate my decision but I think June 10th will be return to work week. Granted I will probably work 2 and 3 days in Portsmouth and the other ones from home, but you got to start somewhere.

Doctors visit

Interesting day, after meeting with all 3 doctors, surgeon, radiation and chemo, this is sort of a summary of the good and the careful.

The Good -
-I can drink in moderation.. one wine glass with dinner is OK.
-The steroids were reduced in 1/2 again.
-They were thrilled with my progress to the point that they encouraged some of what you would consider my crazy behavior. I should ride my bike and I can go swimming. The swimming part pushes interesting buttons in my head, but I need a pool first.
-I can drive anywhere I want, but need to be careful not to get too tired.
-During the surgery, they took samples for pathology from 12 lymph nodes. Eleven came back clean, 1 showed a touch of cancer that was scrcapped off and taken out. Moral of the story is youare a cancer survivor, however, be very aware of your body it could be back.

The careful
-I still have my pneumonia, much less, but it is still there.
-I also have the inflammation of the lung tissue (from the
radiation)
-All very hopeful but we are not out of the woods yet.
-Tiredness might overcome you with the reduction of the steroids.
-No lifting for 2 more weeks.

Physical Therapy

Two days ago, the physical therapist payed me his usual visit. He had given me homework to do and was just checking up to make sure I was doing it. He suggested a 20 minute walk around the neighborhood; I thought to myself that is 1 mile. SO off we went.. when we were done, he said to me.. you need to go over to a real facility for your PT, you are now officially discharged.

Fast forward to yesterday. I had an appointment with my primary. through a series of screw up, he wasn't there and the substitute doctor was most apologetic. In exchange for his feeble attempt at contrition, I asked for a referral to Spaulding Rehab Center. For those that don't know, it is a rehab center that specializes in sports medicine.

In two weeks, I am doing physical therapy boot camp. The plan is to have an intense week of exercise, yoga, sleep, and all the stuff anyone comes up with. Hopefully I'll be back to my shape (whatever that is) by then

It takes time

but it is not how quickly you recover... All this rehab eats up most of my day! Between gym for 45 minutes in the morning Mon-Wed-Fri and walking 10 miles (yes I am up to 10 miles at my usual speed, but no talking got to concentrate) and doing the damn stairs 16 flights today, although the big improvement is that I can do 2 flights at a time.

I have a conference with all the doctors on thursday, so it will be interesting to hear what they all have to say. Hopefully the no upper body work yet restriction will be taken out and I will be able to start wit light weights.

back on the stairs again

Great day today, found 2 skeins of a yarn that I needed to finish Paul's sweater. Not that I was sweating it, since I was going to find a similar yet different color, but nice to have found it.

Have the house to myself today so I am watching the baseball game and dreaming of wine or a beer or a cosmo... knitting away between my hourly walks. Going for 6 miles total today and most likely a total of 10 flights of stairs. Later dinner at sisters house, cute how they are picking me up and Paul is driving me back. This driving restriction thing is going to end and soon!

they told me about days like today

you know when they tell you... you will have good days and you will have bad days... I don't consider it a bad day, but certainly not coincidental that one day after being told to slow down I am dragging my ass all over the house. I guess the body revolted today and said I am not doing a bloody thing; and so I didn't. The pedometer barely clocked 2 miles, compared to 6 yesterday. However all I do is eat. It probably is 2 miles worth of round trips between my chair and the fridge.

And who said a pint of ice cream is 4 servings??? that is just crazy talk. 2 serving at best!

So for the rest of the day, I knitted, and read a fabu book called Remainder by Tom McCarthy. Not for everyone... imagine a review that says "An assured work of existential horror" I am loving it. Eileen will have to read it next. On the Shakespeare front, first up.. The Comedy of Errors.

P.T.

I have been very good about my exercises since I got very depressed about the fact that I used to be able 6 months ago to do 3 x 30 reps of lunges with 20 lbs on each hand and lately I can only do 5 holding on to something. Yeah yeah... save the lecture... I realize it is getting easier and smoother, HOWEVER... I thought it was very funny when the physical therapist says to me that I have to take one day a week and do nothing... cut back on the walking, no exercises.

Needless to say, after I stopped laughing, well... I really couldn't stop laughing. Since everyone wants me to be back to normal,(which in my case is containing my hyperactive self) I need to keep moving and doing. He wants me to do nothing... mmm maybe, just maybe he will get almost nothing mima style.

A small reality check

After dinner yesterday, we were watching our daily diet of Anna Nichole (enough already) and Paris Hilton (jail will be a bitch). In the middle of all that, they report that even though last February she was given a clean bill of health, Farrah Fawcett's cancer had returned. Besides being very depressing, particularly for Ms Fawcett, I simply thought to myself...

Stop being a couch potato, and enjoy life to it's fullest you just never know! Which brings me back to all the readers of my blog. Go out there and DO, stop looking, stop wishing and become active/involved/engaged. Healthy or not, enjoy life, smelled the coffee or the roses and DO THINGS.

where does the time go...

it has been 7 weeks since the surgery, minus 2 weeks for the pneumonia and the fluid in the lung ordeal. For being 5 weeks out, I feel pretty good, I am off all the anxiety, sleep, pain drugs and the only thing left is the steroid/antiobiotic cocktail.

Walking around is much easier, 2.78 miles today, stairs are still a challenge (18 steps break 9 steps done) sleeping is much easier, and I am back to reading. Staying home is driving me a little crazy, but I've become very disciplined as to what to do at which time. Doing a lot of work (as in real work) from home.

As an aside I've decided that I will read most if not all Shakespeares works following the book the Invention of the Human. That should keep me occupied for the next 10 years. O.C.D has kicked in.... I suppose it comes from being bored.

The slow recovery

For those of you that need markers.. I sure do. I am biking 1.5 miles in about 10 minutes, and walking a mile in what seems to be an eternity. I have also managed to do a flight of stairs, and let me tell you that is a bitch to do, who would have thought that stairs would be the hardest part.

Besides the physical part, the brain seems to be clear now. The only thing I am taking are the antibiotic/steroid combo and even that dosage has been lowered. Out of boredom, I've been cleaning my closet and throwing stuff away. There is a very intense lean/only what you need concept in my head. If I keep it up, there will be nothing left.

people people people....

I am delighted by the well wishes, and more than amused by all the emails and blog comments about NOT overdoing it... What do you people think I am going to do... start running the mile in less than 4 minutes? (I would, but I don't like running), clean and mop the floors while on oxygen? ( that is soooo last week, I can do it without the oxygen now). KIDDING!!!!

I am pacing myself... granted it might be considered a fast pace for some but it's the only way I know how to.

The Visit

We went to the doc's yesterday. First up a chest x-ray. I had to wait 45 minutes and it was driving me crazy. Wonder why my blood pressure was high when they did the vitals. They move the electrconic file of the x-rays to my surgeon's monitor, and he was basically ready for me by the time I got to his office.

BTW, the Starbucks coffee I had purchased prior to the x-ray's...COLD.. ruined..damn it!

The Dr. proceeds to do all that funny tapping they do. Deep breathing please... ok... any this? any that? how are you feeling?.. how are you reacting to the meds?? all standard stuff. Then he says what we want to hear, The tumor has been resected (sp)(all taken out) only trace would be microscopic and with monitoring they can tell. Needless to say we were all very happy about that. Now he wants me to really start the recovery in earnest, lots of walking, stationary bike and general activity. Expect to crash in the afternoon's after all that work, but that will go away eventually. Now it is official, I can drive short distances!!!

walk and walk and walk some more

In the elusive search for the perfect breath, I am walking like a madman. Instead of being ultra-efficient and carrying 3 things for one trip, I do three single trips. Not very efficient I know, and my brain is like having a short-circuit about it, but my lungs kind of like it.

Nowadays, if I bend over to pick something, the world doesn't spin. Much better thank you.

Also today is the momentous day to return to my bed. St Paul has been kind enough to give me his reclining bed for the convalescing, but the poor man needs his bed and his bedroom; for that matter so do I, I miss my mattress something fierce.

Today is also the day with the doctor. Hopefully after the X-Ray he will say the pneumonia is almost gone and that I can ramp up recovery. Wouldn't those be sweet words!!!

Picking up speed

Last night I had a yen for pizza (cookie dough ice cream, fruit, rice krispies treat, and a granola bar) from this tiny place that came highly recommended. We decided to do the outing early so as to not have to wait in line or any nonsense like that. Upon our return, we both got out of the car and Paul was way ahead of me. Needless to say, I had to make the comment, "enjoy it while it lasts, because I have every plan on catching up on you and soon!"

My secret weapon is that the physical therapist already has me on the stationary bike and lifting weights.

the routine

Faster and faster, I have been taken back my old routines. Granted they are done from home and mostly just aggravate the people at work, but it is nice to get into the groove of things. As soon as the Dr says I can drive long distance I will pay them a visit up in NH.

As far as home goes, it has never been tidier. every time I stand up, something gets put away or thrown out. I can't wait to get a hold of my closet. Since I find cleaning therapeutic in itself, you can only imagine cleaning AND organizing.

and another thing

I find very interesting how my brain works. When you least expect it, you realize that everything is connected someway somehow. Last night I could not sleep. I took my requisite sleeping pills and watch the second hand sweep away the time. After 2 hours or so, I was hungry for yet another munch. The steroids I am taking make you very hungry, which is kind of fun, but certainly a lot of work.

So, we are planning a big trip to the Baltic, even though it is a vacation, it is still very physical (particularly the stairs on the ship) I kept thinking, if all the seniors who go and do their thing at about 5 mph and are very happy; will I be?. I just don't know if 5mph is going to satisfy me or if I at least need to go at 25mph. The thought sends baltic air chills down my spine. I better strat training for speed and cross winds

one of many

The last two days, I've had my head spinning thinking about the journey we have gone through and what the future might hold. It is enough to make you run for a Xanax. It really all revolves about a million inter-related decisions that are not black and white, but nuanced colors.

I like black and white.

where did time go anyway?

One of the more interesting aspects of this insane ride has been the mental battle over what is time and what happens when it is used without realizing it.

My original mental plan was to be recovered from a flawless surgery by mid May at the absolute latest. It might still happen if the pneumonia finally leaves, but let's face it, May 15th is looking tight.

Then you have the time lost during the two setbacks,(the fluid incident and the pneumonia). What happened to that time? It is not like I want to relive it, but I would like a credit or an acceleration for the time lost.

today is the day

After a curiously refreshing afternoon nap, I have woken up with a renewed vigor in my mind and body. Granted the body is dealing with our interloper Mr Pneumonia, but that WILL be temporary. I have started to retire the concessions to being ill; the extra pillow in the sofa, the slippers in the living room and started being my old cynical curmudgeon self again..finish that laundry, prepare the bonfire of clothes to burn after this is over (the black sweatpants have got to go!)

Let's see how long it lasts...but I have a feeling I just turned a big page!

any spells for pneumonia?

It is very interesting that now that it has been a little while since the last percocet, or any stupefying drug, you can start thinking clearer. The fingers still don't go were you expect them, and the thoughts are seriously fragmented, but I can tell the brain is going through a reconstruction/reconnection process.

In turn most of the body, although seriously out of muscle tone, wants to start the old routines. If it is Friday, it is laundry day. The funny thing is that physically, I can do it in about 10 hours or so, however I have to fit my naps, exercises and all other things.

But alas the fucking pneumonia has to be gone before I can have my full lung capacity and my hyperactivity back. Any ideas besides drugs and patience?

Extended Hours

Last night when I took all my pills, I realized that you must give some meds time to work (particularly the sleeping pills). I fought the pillow for about an hour, at which point, finally I slept. Sleep time has been extended to 3 hours segments hopefully I will get to 7 or 8 soon.

Besides that, the big news is that my showers are back in full force, no I didn't stink, but that hospital smell sure sucks. Today was what you would call a deluxe shower. Get all the old adhesive off the skin, good old fashion scrub.

The "steri strips" otherwise known as surgical duct tape are used to keep you together. It falls off slowly as it crumbles from either lack of stress (while holding both sides) or repeated showering.

what to do during commercials

Catch up time... open the stack of mail.. thanks for all the cards and care packages. I just saw the bill for the surgery, holy cow, not a cheap morning of work!; then again I am worth every penny.

The Physical Therapist came in and gave me my crawling orders... breathing exercises and wall squats followed by the plastic Spirometer (which I hate!) 3 time every commercial interruption. I think the PT dude pegged my habits dead on!.

Silent Oxygen

As always, everything seems to revolve around a good night sleep. Yesterday, being the first night home, I sort of followed the damn schedule from the hospital. Up at 12, 2, 4 and finally 6. To make matters more interesting since I have that damn infection in my long and it prevents me from breathing, now we have a handy dandy Oxygen generator home. Just what every well appointed home needs. Biggest problem is the bastard is noisy. I guess you really can expect silent Oxygen!

I'm back.....

Hello dear friends... just a little surprise visit to the BI Hilton. Triple Lobe Pneumonia will always do it to you. I will fill you all in the details, but it can't even remotely be chronological since I can't remember half of it. The good news is that I am home with Paul As always, thatnks for all your incredible thoughts