the family gets together...

It is not that I have a large family, at best with everyone including pets we might clock at 11, but somehow you feel that there are a lot of us when we get together. This week-end we celebrated my nephews 30th birthday. My family has an age range of 14 months-53 and somehow, when the water guns were passed around, wisely after wine was served , do you realize that we are about 6 years old.

The conclave this year will be on a cruise in the Baltic Sea so that childish behavior will be almost guaranteed.

anxious who?

For a planner, or as someone said to me the other day, an anticipator, waiting till Thursday is a royal pain in the ass. In my deluded little head it is like waiting for someone to tell you this is the update on what is going to happen for the rest of your life. Perhaps that is a little dramatic, but for some reason (and I know I will be disappointed) I am expecting clear explanation and sound medical logic.

I am sure, as a matter of fact I am willing to bet, that I will be wrong, but that is where my head is at.

i can't drink anymore

So this is the rest of the story... Paul made me the proverbial high fat no carb dinner that I am expected to eat... did I tell you I can't stand bacon anymore??? We also went to get diet coke at the 7-11 so that I can use that to help me get the potion down.

6:00am I have to drink my potion, using the diet coke I manage to drink the damn think. It took about 1 hour to get the 12 oz, started knitting and trying very hard not to think that I have to drink another 12 oz's in about 3 hours.

9:30am took a shower and cleaned the bathroom ... I have to somehow think of something else other that what lies ahead

10:15am YUKE I have to start drinking the next 12 oz... I hate this crap. but using the diet coke (which I don't like anyway) I manage to drink about 3/4's of it... Catch is that a) I am ready to throw up any second and b) if I burp I can taste the damn mint flavoring which in turn reminds me what i just drank which brings me back to I am going to throw up any second....

12:45 Finally ready to leave... my brain keeps saying that i am like a bad photograph that everyone want to scan....

1:25 Check in at the radiology counter

1:45 realize that I forgot my watch home (I never go anywhere without my watch!), they call my name.... OK let's start this party.... They take me to the lead lined room and the lovely nurse tells me that the radioactive sugar is ready for me, so she gets the IV ready and no ouch??? she got the vein on the first try! then she gets the lead lined radioactive stuff and I am now glowing in the dark. She then proceeds to tell me that I have to drink 48 oz of the barium / berry flavored stuff. I proceed to tell her that it just ain't going to happen... I will do my best, but 48 oz are not going down when everything else want to come up. It will take about an hour for the radioactivity to reach all 4 corners of my body... so as far as she is concerned I have 1 hour to drink the new potion... In my head I scope out where the bathroom is, just in case... Since I am glowing right now, I can't have any company... kill 1 hour with barium and old magazines...

She finally returns and says to me, the PET scan machine is ready for me, and "You only drank about 6 oz of the barium" I will have to tell the CT scan people that they will need to change the setting on the machine" I think to myself ... You do that bitch, drink both potions the same day and not puke.. try it...come on... ugh...slap that nurse into some reality please!

I was so emotionally drained at this point that I basically slept the entire PET scan. I was taken to the CT Scan waiting room... and the CT Scan operator said sarcastically to me... only 10 oz?? to which I said yeap that was it.. so they hook the IV to the next potion.. (this one makes you warm inside out and then makes you think you want to pee.. what a treat! All of this in 1 day!!!

Finally I was free to go.. results were not going to be ready for at least 2 days.. GOOD!!! I don't want to think about this for at least 2 days!!

and then... break the fast ... Seafood restaurant.... lobster bisque, Caesar salad, ahi tuna, Boston cream pie... pig out city!!!

The pet-scan cometh

Yes everyone the day of the pet-scan is coming... Tuesday at 1:50 we will know although NOT from the doctors. preliminary information of what is going on. There are several things that I am NOT looking forward.. One Drinking the horrible potion they give you, and to boot I have to drink two bottles this time. There is a good reason why the container is solid green.. they don't want you to see what is inside. Trust me people it is revolting, disgusting and nauseating. (Get the point?) The other thing is that they will have to insert needle to get the dye necessary for the background scans.

I am still debating in my head what kind of information I really want to know on Tuesday, of course I want to know if there is shrinkage, however, I do not know what the magic number of reduction or shape change is to psych myself up that surgery is coming. Since I don't have any of those data points, I believe I am going to play stupid and just have them scan me and go home. On the 1st I have appointments with all three, first the chemo-oncologist, then the radiation-oncologist and the the surprise guest will be the thoracic oncology surgeon.

and then you get a treat

Long ago, I saw this yarn called Malabrigo. It is from Uruguay (merino wool) and kettle dyed. The yarn that I loved is red and variations from there to almost pink and down to deep burgundy. Paul offered to knit me a sweater which I promptly took him up on the offer. It took a little while to get the parts (front back and both arms) done, however... the finished product is just incredible. Enjoy your Valentines Day...I sure will enjoy mine Cupid was great!

and we are back and sleeping more and more

The week-end in Portland was lovely, some shopping and some fabulous food. There is nothing better than a great meal. It was interesting that the hotel billed itself as the only 4 start AAA hotel in Maine, but it had a lot of little details "almost right, but not there".

Sunday morning when we woke up, had an excellent breakfast and since what I wanted to do was go back and take a nap, we decided to drive back home. I slept the entire 2 hour drive. As soon as we got home, I did a little knitting, but about 2pm I decided to take a nap. Me a nap?!?! Two and a half hours of solid sleep... Woke up and laid on the sofa like a corpse. Couldn't/wouldn't move and about 8:00pm I said... enough, I am going to bed.

I thought I would be up 1/2 the night, but when I opened my pretty little eyes, it was 8am... obviously it was going to be a work at home day.

The Barber

Today, because I felt that my hair was just completely unruly and out of control I went to get a haircut. Mind you , I get my haircut in an old fashion barber shop. No frills, it has newspapers, sports radio and guys getting their haircut. It is best not to talk much, but if you are, it is most likely about sports, or some cop/fireman thing.

I have been going to the same place and the same older barber ever since we moved to Quincy, and today he asked the same question he always asks...."0 or 00" (blade length for you neophytes) I said "0" which is barely 1/2 a millimeter... and he did his thing. He always shaves my neck with a straight edge razor which I love since part of the ritual is to clean all the hedges.

As I was going to pay, he simply said to me.. "I am sorry" and with that I knew he knew... It was incredibly thoughtful and simple... and I will never change my favorite barber again!

More sleep...

Amazingly, I took a nap yesterday afternoon... and then at 7:30 after a lovly chicken meal, I was out cold till this morning at 6:00am. For those who know me, sleeping is not a necessity, however if I listen carefully, my body is screaming I NEED SLEEP... I am sure this is all payback for having to sleep sitting down when this nonsense started.

This week-end there will most likely be no posts.. P & I are leaving the city saturday and heading to Maine. Rest and relaxation (most likely lost of sleeping), so don't expect many posts!

Sleep... Work... Life is sort of back

Ok you bunch of impatient people... I have only been gone for 36 hours without a post...

On Tuesday, I went to work on my own.. yes I can drive now without adult supervision. It felt great to go back in and work work, versus sit on a chair and try to look pretty. Much was accomplished, but after about 6 hours, I crashed. I had slept like crapola the night before so I was extremely tired. The drive back to Quincy was ok since it was the middle of the afternoon and there was no traffic. Tuesday, I went to bed at 8:15 and woke up Wednesday at 7:30. The people in the radiation dept had warned me about the big crash when adrenalin and exhaustion hit empty.

On Wednesday, I had a late dentist appointment since a cap had fallen off on the second day of radiation. Got to work about 9:30 and worked all day till about 4:15 or so. At that point, the numbers and letters all start to meld and I have no idea anymore of what is going on. Did the dentist thing (love both of them) an drove home.

I had a McDonald's #5 Chicken BLT craving so that was dinner. Paul was going out with work people so I was expecting early to bed anyway. However, at 7:00 I sat in front of the TV and fell asleep. Proceeded to move to bed and sleep till 8:30 this morning... BEAUTY SLEEP???? I am pretty good in that dept. today!!

Nap time is the right time

Once I left radiation, the wonderful nurse said to me.. "You have been going on adrenalin for two weeks and you will crash, it is bound to happen" Little did she know that yesterday, after I got home, I was feeling a little tired.. ok a lot tired.. and HORROR OF HORRORS I took a 2 hour nap. I thought it would not allow me to sleep through the night... WRONG! Not the excitement of the superbowl... YAWN... or my knitting... YAWN will keep me from sleeping... I guess that once more, a little ahead of the curve. All I have done yesterday and today is to sleep and nap, in the car, at chemo, just about anywhere... a little laundry and a nap will do..

You have been discarded...

Every time you go to get radiation, you are asked to scan this little blue card. Using this card ensures that the dosage, and shape of the radiation is accurate. Once you are in the room with the equipment, they scan your card yet again. Get my drift... no card no scan... Today, being the last day, I was very excited. No more radiation!!! The staff was very nice and had a little fanfare for my last zapping.. Drum roll please ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 13 SECOND COUNT... FLIP... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 13 SECOND COUNT...... and I am done!

Get off the table and and was my routine get my card. Well surprise surprise... I HAVE BEEN DISCARDED... they take the card away and destroy it... I just loved the term.

The latest chapter in

as the cancer turns... in the continuing saga of where we stand at this moment, there has been a seismic shift. It seem that there was an interdisciplinary conference between Chemo doctors, Radiation doctors and the newest cast member Thoracic Oncology Surgeons. In this conference the fact that my physical recovery has been so remarkable attracted the surgeons to propose the possibility of surgery. Now, before we get to excited about this, there are a few things you need to know. Surgery would strictly be dependent on a PET scan schedule for Feb 20th @ 1:30. From those results, it would be decided if the possibility is really there.

IF surgery was a possibility, there are several things we need to be aware of.

a) My prognosis has been increased from 2 years to 4 years regardless

b) surgery is highly risky and involves two surgical procedures, one to do a very thorough biopsy (the possibility of the cancer having spread to the lymph node behind it, has not been 100% ruled out, and one dependent on those results to do a sectional removal of the tumor (the real surgery)

c) from what I can gather, the surgery is being performed mostly to have 4 clean years with a very low statistical recurrence of the cancer.

Incredibly, to me this is all playing the odds, I am assuming that the surgeons wouldn't give me a choice regarding the surgery if the side effects or risks were too high. I know it is all confusing and highly speculative, but them the facts as we know it.

One more radiation and one more chemotherapy and then we wait.... and you all know how well I do when I have nothing to do but wait!

OK I need everyones help!

A very generous person (Richard) is doing a stair climb Cancer benefit in my honor. SO we all need to help him out. I would like to see his team raise the most cash!... yes I am very competitive. Here is the link to the Charity Website his team name is Are We At The Top Yet? Considering that the blog gets about 1500 hits per week, $10 from everyone (including repeat daiy readers) will put Richard way above his goal.... DON'T BE CHEAP, GIVE AND GIVE OFTEN!

My knitting project

So here is how a lot of yarn (cotton) gets cut and pasted into something better than its parts... Slow but great.

A glimmer of hope

I will let you know that this entry is strictly a theoretical entry since there is no real hard evidence behind it. HOWEVER, today they had an interdisciplinary conference an I was part of the discussion. The bottom line seems to be that there is a glimmer albeit small, that the tumor has shrunken enough that surgical intervention might be possible. We won't know this for sure until a pet scan and a CT scans are done to give them exact location and size. Since the tumor is in a precarious location, the surgery would be considered high risk. Then again, if they get it right, it would be high reward.

Let's see what the scans show and then we will solicit the opinion of the peanut gallery.

The truly important things

Right before X-Mas, Adam asked me to help him with a school project. I am sure he asked me because I have access to acrylic fabrication and because he knows my imagination runs wild and big when given projects like this. We were to build a replica of the Cathedal of Notre Dame in Paris for his religion class. Half of the grade would be the bldg, the other 1/2 a paper to accompany the bldg.

So I recruited the help of Ed for bldg and cutting the pieces. I designed the cathedral to be as simple as possible, however large (it is all about size you know!) Adam came over for the week-end and taped all the pieces to represent the windows, Ed did an incredible job putting the cathedral together considering that he had to take my crazy ideas and execute them without me being at work.

To see Adam's face when the building was delivered was just priceless.. now we all await for the damn grade to come in. For Adam's, Ed's and my sake, it better be an A+

Live from the B.I. Hilton

The computer from work is finlly here and working! Connected to all my major functions for work, which has made me very happy. (go figure!) A million thanks to Jean, Wendy and Walter.

Now back to me! One more day of radiation, nd I can't wait. The hair debris (ok the tubble debris) on my pillow is very depressing, but with only 1 more day, hopefully it will at least stop falling and start growing back. I am as we speak in chemo getting my controlled poisoning session. Home by 1:00 YEAH! They pinch me twice today, but damn it hurt like a mother... I am considering the porta-cath thing. Not only because it will be easier to find the damn vein, but it does not show over the king but a little bump. I didn't want the port version becasue you get to see the tubbing and it is yet another reminder that I have something terribly wrong. If anyone has any knowledge from users of a porta cath, let me know their experience.